Eat, pray, and get laid... (title not related to the post)

“What do I want to do with my life?”

A big and could be the most difficult question if not for a lot of people at least for me. I envy those people who have the guts, or the luck, or maybe the convenience/luxury to figure it out.

When I was in Grade II, I remember saying I wanted to be a Scientist (science was my favorite subject). Then in Grade 5, I changed my mind, because I realized that I was not really good in math and being a scientist takes a lot of computation. I shifted to wanting to be a Flight Stewardess, even though I didn't even know what they do. I just thought it was cool, because most of my girlfriends liked to be flight stewardess.

In 4th year high school, the time that we really had to figure it out, future was becoming now. It was supposed to be an exciting
experience to not only day dream about your future but actually start fulfilling it. But I was not even thinking about college that time because I thought that I would never go to college due to lack of resources. And it was okay with me, I’m used to being different and not being able to go to college was something that was not frustrating to me. I thought I just had to stop wanting things that I couldn't have. Later, I realized that if life hands you a lemon, you can ask for tequila and salt.

My mom looked for opportunities for me to get me to college. She applied for a scholarship in one of the reputable university for me. Because of luck and my high grades in high school (I have to give credit to myself, our high school was not easy, promise), I passed all qualifications and presented with an option between doing clerical jobs in school and chose whatever course I want, or 100% scholarship without clerical job and take BS Education courses. Or should I say, I used to have an option to choose the type of scholarship I wanted, but my mother decided for me already. She chose Education for me.

Although, that was included in my Top 10 (when my teacher asked for the top the courses that we want to take, later I realized that I had too limited options; I didn’t know, until after few years that there are courses like International Studies, Theater Arts, Global Gender Studies, Minority Studies, Environmental Protection and Conservation, Forestry, Archeology, Fashion Design etc…) I thought ‘teaching is boring’, no chance to travel and meet new exciting people. And although I love to be in front of the class and be a smart ass and pretend to be a know-it-all, I never imagined myself to grow old teaching. I really used to hate my situation, doing things I thought was not for me, I really wanted to take BS HRM, or Mass Communication, or Tourism instead.

Unexpectedly, it turned out that, what happened was actually one the most remarkable things ever occurred in my life. I realized the importance of teachers to the society, their sacrifices. Teaching can be one of the most rewarding professions. And Education course is not only meant for the child with the lowest I.Q. It irritates me to hear "Mag-teacher ka na lang." In this course, you may find the most financially challenge students, but you also find the most generous, multi-talented, responsible, concerned, and compassionate.
Moreover, I realized that it could be the perfect profession for me. In this profession, I could be a manager, a doctor, a lawyer, a judge, a singer, an actor, a PR, a nurse, guidance counselor, a social worker, etc… (if you are a teacher, you know what I mean).

Although I had learned to love the route I were in, after college I didn’t bother practicing it as a profession. Because of curiosity and need of money, it pursued career in customer service.

I was a call-center agent for almost 3 yrs. And I could say that I was a good citizen of the republic. I paid taxes and I didn’t violate the law (ok, jaywalking, yes). But what was the direct impact and contribution that I gave to the society by sitting in an air-conditioned room answering stupid questions for 8 hours?

It came to a point that I felt that only difference between the office cubicle and the prison is the computer. Being in the office doing paper work is as good as killing me. I want action, I need to sweat, literally.

Maybe it’s in my DNA or in my zodiac sign to create something grandeur like a work of art similar to Sistine Chapel; or even to save the world; or to be change to I want to see in the world (Gandhi? hehehe we have the same zodiac). Or maybe I just want to feel important by doing something important. Sabi nga sa Glee, “You feel special being part of something special.
I have tried being an entrepreneur/restaurateur. But at this point of my life I feel like I’m still in limbo. Gosh, I just realized, I’m like going back to being a 4th year high school. Sometimes I would say to myself and to my friends, things like:
I want to be a lawyer, what if I continue studying and take up LAW, but I think my brain will explode memorizing those mammoth books, forget it.
I really love animals, and biology is something that really interests me. Why not take Veterinary or Marine Biology since I love beach. But I don’t know how to swim, forget it.
Global Warming is really a big concern today; I want to take Environmental Protection or maybe forestry in UPLB.
I think I’m really into public service, should take public ad, be in politics, maybe be an ambassador, or the first gay president?
I’m really good in make-up, even genius, what if just take short course to have certificate, and invest a supply of make-up and make it a career. Knowing its social relevance, making people feel good about them even for few hours hahaha! I’m kidding. Or why not a career in fashion and writing and be the next Anna Wintour?
Indeed, a jackie-of-all trades, master of none.

We have influenced to believe that the way, the only way is to study hard, find a good job, flirt, build a family, and eventually die. I couldn’t help but wonder, are really being judged by the society based on the amount of our pay check? Or by words in our diploma?

Until now I’m still in a phase of uncertainty, but what I am sure about is: I want to travel, to eat and cook good food and to get laid (may not be in that particular order).
And certainly, I will never stop singing, dancing, acting and writing. And, I think know what I want to grow old doing.

“Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do with your life. Most interesting people I know, didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-years-old I know still don’t.” - Sunscreen ‘99

TOP 5 GLEE CHARACTERS I WISH TO PLAY

TOP 1: Sue Sylvester
Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) is head coach of the cheerleading squad or "Cheerios", and the glee club's "arch-nemesis".[10] Lynch states that Sue is "pure evil and doesn't hide it" With regards to her motivation, Lynch explained: "Sue will do whatever it takes to win. If that means she has to prostitute herself or take advantage of a 16-year-old boy, she'll do it. It's all about power and winning. That's her entire world view." In the episode "Wheels" (my favorite episode), Sue allows a girl with Down Syndrome to join the Cheerios as a replacement for Quinn. It is later revealed that Sue has an older sister who herself has Down Syndrome, showing a softer side to her normally brash character. Playing her character would be so much FUN! She even performs Madonna’s Vougue!


TOP 2: Will Schuester
William "Will" Schuester played by Matthew Morrison is McKinley High's Spanish teacher who becomes director of the glee club, hoping to restore it to its former glory. Will is the character that I can relate the most because of passion for music and motivating his kids. I think I can do a gay version of Will.


TOP 3: Grace Hitchens
Grace Hitchens played by Eve is the show choir director of the Jane Addams Academy for troubled female youth. Ms. Hitchens is one hot sistah here!


TOP 4: Santana Lopez
Santana Lopez played by Naya Rivera is a competitive member of the Cheerios who joins the glee club with Quinn and Brittany. A certified mean girl! She's really mean and loves boys. She does 'sexts', and fight for his man. After admitting that before Glee club she hated everyone in the group, "To Sir, with Love" where she cries about the glee club being disbanded, showing that she does care.


TOP 5: Kendra Giardi Kendra Giardi (Jennifer Aspen) is Terri's sister. She and her husband Phil have triplet sons. She influences most of Terri's decisions during her 'pregnancy' by complying Terri's decisions to tell Will and helping her in most of her schemes. I love her line “You got the beauty, and I got the brain… and the beauty.” She’s very hilarious in the show.

OPRAHNESS

When I was a kid, I used to whine about almost everything; why don’t I have what other kids have; why can’t I do what I wanted to do; why can’t we chose which family to be part of; why am I so fat and has many pimples? But from that point, I had already realized that I should be responsible for my own self. At early age I knew that we are poor, and fortune will not drop from the sky as you wish for it. I remember when I was in grade 1 had all of my books new. No one thought me to be practical, but the following year instead of wishing for new books, I requested old/second hand books, I told my mom “it’s the same thing anyway.”

But sometimes, I couldn’t help but to be disappointed and disheartened, whenever I asked something from my Mom, and all I got was only broken promises. I remember when I was in highshool, almost everyone had their own cellphone. I just knew then that my Mom couldn’t give it to me, what I did was pray, pray so hard, so that next morning there would be a cellphone under my bed. Excitedly, I woke up the following morning to check if there was a cellphone under my bed. What I saw was a … Big disappointment. Hahaha, what do you expect? At that point I had come to realize that fortune woud not drop from the sky as you wish for it. Since then I had never wished for any material things anymore.
Oprah didn't think of herself as a poor deprived ghetto girl who made good. She said “I think of myself as somebody who from an early age knew I was responsible for myself, and I had to make good.”

I have learned to appreciate other more important gifts God has given me: my life, my body, my talent, my determination and resilience. Instead of praying for money to come, I prayed for more compassion, vigor, and wisdom. Knowing that no one else is responsible for my own future but myself, right after college I had nothing in my mind but to get a good job with high salary. I didn’t take my Licensure exam because I had no money and it would only take away my focus on earning money for my family.

I wanted it, I got it. Having only 1000 pesos that I borrowed from my auntie, I took my chances and lived in the city (concrete jungle ika nga). I didn’t know that to expect, and I seemed not to care, I was so focus to start fulfilling my goal. I experienced to dwell in the most uncomfortable place you could imagine, I endured pollution, traffic, cockroaches, worms, maggots, and spiders, most of all mean and bad people. I had climbed up few steps in the corporate ladder, but I didn’t want to fool myself. I know from the start that it was not the place where I could fulfill the purpose of my being. I just felt that that was not what God wanted me to do. I could serve a greater purpose. Yes, I was earning a decent amount of money but was it enough? It was clear to me that I would always find myself on the same spot if I would not do anything to change it.

Being in the corporate world, for me, was like running in a treadmill, yes, you would burn calories and develop your cardio, that’s the goal. But when you finally exhausted all your energy and stop, you would still see yourself in the same spot, no matter how fast or slow you run.
Now that I have myself out of the treadmill, I feel better; trying to run or jug, outside to wherever my feet takes me. I get to enjoy the fresh air, and different surroundings. I might sometimes find myself in very uncomfortable places but I have the control to get myself out of it, or I might stumble along the way, but I can always dust myself off and go on. I can get a chance to meet new people to jog with, it could be a dog or maybe someone special. And hopefully very soon I figure out where I want to end my journey.

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"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain"


Some friends are wondering why I always keep on naively trying to audition although it seems that I could not breakthrough the hard wall. Oprah said: “Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.”

Now that I have started a new thing that people think that I cannot do, or most people cannot do, challenges starting to emerge. I know from the start that putting up a business is never easy. I risk almost everything, my regular paycheck, my health insurance, and even friendship is at risk. But that is where my resilience, patience, understanding, resourcefulness and faith are being tested.
I appear to be so calm and positive about almost everything. And people were sometimes wondering if im just positive or maybe indifferent. INDIFFERENT? NEVER. I’m just not afraid to fail. Oprah does not believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process, she said. “The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but significance - and then even the small steps and little victories along your path will take on greater meaning.”

Honestly, I get myself paid few bucks for dedicating my time, talent and knowledge in our restaurant business. Very small compare to what I used to get in slaving myself in the air-conditioned office. But I don’t care I just know I am in the road of success. Oprah again, said: “You know you are on the road to success if you would do your job and not be paid for it.”

Managing our own restaurant is like the same feeling that I get whenever I do acting, hosting, modeling and singing. I gladly give my 100% without assurance of material return. I just love my crew, my customers and the work that I do. Oprah even said “What I know is, is that if you do work that you love, and the work fulfills you, the rest will come.”

That’s why I am not afraid.


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It is obvious that Oprah is my source of inspiration. She’s my queen. She is worthy of emulation.

When I was still a slave (pun intended), in one of our coaching sessions with my former manager, we discussed personal issues like my future. I honestly told him that I don’t see myself working in that industry for the coming years. I explained that I was in the process of getting myself out of there just like Oprah once said; try to get paid for doing something that you are passionate about. My manager said “Take away Oprah from our discussion; Let us consider her a mythical being. She’s not real. She’s just into commercialism. Look at those people who watch her show, they remain poor.”

I was so disheartened. It was like telling to a kid that Santa Claus is not real. But those words didn’t stop me to believe. I do believe in Santa Claus anyway. It may not be that red clad, big bellied Santa that we imagined to be. It could your grandpa that used to sneak out at night to put an apple and some pennies in your old socks. Whoever your Santa is, it is real. Just like Oprah being real to me. Like a fairy God mother that I can’t see. It maybe strange that in some major and minor decisions that I make, I ask myself, what would Oprah thinks about it?

Gay is the New Black

Few weeks ago I went to join the 1st model and fashion congress in Festival Mall, Alabang for a go-see.

After registration, you had to pose for the different agencies and if they liked you they would get your stats and contact info and they would also take pictures of you for their compilation.
Aspiring models would also need to show their walk for a particular brand for the fashion walk-off the following day.

They had to find tall ramp models for Wedding gowns. Yah, you read it right WEDDING GOWNS. The idea of walking in wedding makes me laugh. But since I was there already, I decided to take the opportunity. So I imagine wedding gown and hit the runway, walk a lil bit slowly, booty out, smiling with the eyes.

They needed additional 10 models, We were like more than 20 hopefuls that day. After announcing the number of the first seven selected models (which didn’t include me) they had to pause and they were like comteplating about the next 3 models. There was a few minutes of discussion and then I saw one of the panel excused herself to call someone from her cellphone. After few minutes, she put an OK sign in the air. And they announced “191” my number! It was a enlivening. Yes I idid it! I made it.

They got all our informaion and contact number. We were told about the talent fee. And we were advised to wait for an hour for the fitting. I was very excited. I already imagining myself in very pristine wedding gown.

After an hour, we were instructed go back on stage but suddenly the director called my attention and said “191, I have some bad news. Im sorry we don’t want to dishearten you, but the client called back, and they decided not to hire you for the job. We like your walk and we belive in you and its happenning today. I know it might disappoint you.”
I just said “I understand completely. I hope you will still give me another chance.”
Marex (I asked his name) said: definitely “we have your number naman, so definitely there will be another chance.”
I walked away from what ithought would be a defining moment and went home.

On my way home, I couldn’t help but ponder about why do I keep on doing this to myself. This is not the first time that a door was slammed into my face because of what I am and what I decided to embrace and live in.. Am I some kind of a masochist to endure all of that? Then, I remembered Tyra Banks utter on her show. GAY is the new BLACK, which I totally agree with. When she was starting in this industry, it was not easy for her to breakthrough. She always says that there doors slammed into her face, but there are windows, a back door, a cellar, a rooftop, a chimnney. Its not only through the front door that we can get in. And that is what I’m feeling about this endevour and her words is what I am holding on to. (with that I know my friend Alex will understand why I still love Tyra no matter what).
Yes there are obstacles, but should I let it stop me to do what I want to do? To fulfill what I feel I am bound to fulfill.

It took me blood, sweat and tears to shrink myself from size 5 to size 2. And to clear my skin from all the acne, just so I can have the confidence to show my talent and muster all my nerves to strut my pose,and do the catwalk. Should I let all my efforts be put into waist? Should I just accept that Gays(Transgender) can never grace the runway, billboards,and magazines especially here in the Philippines and they are just workers in the background never in the spotlight?

I’m not getting any younger. Tell me the answers.

the nanny and the kiddos

One Saturday of September, instead of watching JABAWAKEEZ live, i decided to attend an anniversary celebration of a foundation in Alabang. It was a nice experience. After the event, I decided to go to ATC w/c is actually just few walks from the foundation. As I entered the Cinema area, I surprised myself realizing that I was in the midst of 14-19 yrs old crowd. And it felt so different, it was like a Garcia-Marquez in Cabot's and Kinsella's shelf. Teen in their braces and Gossip Girlesque outfit. There were a lot of cute guys (yeah, a lot), but instead of feeling young again, i felt so old. Instead of excitement, i felt like a nanny (in her non-foldable umbrella) looking for her a lost kid.

I couldn't help but wonder, "Am I really old?" or "Was I just preoccupied with all the grown-up things that I have to do?" or "do we really need to face the reality that there will come a time that we can no longer appreciate a teddy-bear and its time to meet a life insurance agent?" ... then, i ended shopping for books...